MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

Fit Club contestant, porn tape maker and guy who’ll do anything for money, Dustin Diamond, has come up with yet another idea that should result in short-lived cash flow. Best known for playing the annoying, dorky sidekick of Zack*, Dustin will be releasing a tell-all book called Behind the Bell.

And while I would normally discount this, Dustin isn’t just writing about himself, but will be disclosing the juicy deeds on the, “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying.” Awesome.

*Hopefully the book will also delve into four major problems I always had with SBTB:

1) Why would a cool, popular guy like Zack ever hang out with Screech? High school politics would not allow this to occur. Major breach in believability.

2) The Max. Or more specifically, it’s owner. He was a magician, which, wait, what? I just never understood the need for the scriptwriters to add this pointless eccentricity. Its not like his four seconds of camera time to pull a ribbon out of a hat added any excitement value to the show-they could have just used that four seconds for Screech to fall over again or have Kelly smile.

3) AC Slater’s wardrobe choice (pic below). The muscle tee, the two belts-what was that all about? Everyone else on the show dressed like a normal kid in the late ’80’s early ’90’s except for Slater who was outfitted in this gym rat, Italian guy uniform.

4) And finally, why is it that everyone, when discussing SBTB, inevitably brings up the episode where Jessie Spano gets cracked out on caffeine pills and says the line, “I”m so excited. I’m so..so..scared.” Is it because our adolescent minds were effected by the powerful message against over the counter drug use, or because it was so patently ridiculous?

A new reality show called Making Love, put together by former editor of Psychology Today and Harvard Ph.D., Robert Epstein, actually sounds, dare I say it, good.

The premise of the show is arranged marriage. Ten couples who seem like they would get along are set up with each other, much like a matchmaker would back in the day.   

The couples will then have relationship experts counsel them in areas like patience and caring, much the same as parents would if the marriagewas arranged.

To ensure that the couples all give love a fair shot, they will sign a “love contract” for 10 weeks in which they will show their dedication to each other by not cheating.  They then go through a number of experiences meant to make them bond. 

Epstien expects six people to tie the knot.  He also (surprise!) believes in arranged marriages, which tend to last longer than ones people make out of their own choice.

On one hand this statistic and experiment is freaky and on another it is sort of assuring.  By Epstien’s estimations each of us has 350,000 potential soul mates, including about 50,000 right here in the U.S.A., which gives us all a much better chance of finding our “one” true soulmate. 

The show will have a website that encourages you and your significant other to participate in the same kind of activities as the couple’s on the show, thus potentially improving your own bond.

Fingers crossed that they decide to go a bit crazy and set Tila Tequila up with Flavor Flav.

So Amy Poehler, aka the funniest woman in history, has signed on to the new office show under the condition that she keep the plot a secret.  Human Giants Aziz Anasari has also been tacked onto the project, which Greg Daniels and NBC have gone back and forth with on calling a “spinoff.”

So what the hell is the show about?  According to reports, Greg wants it to be Office-esque in tone and vision, while NBC wants a directly related Office spin-off.   Either way, as the cast falls in to place it doesn’t look like its going to matter much.

Related:

YAY!: OFFICE SPIN-OFF HIRES FIRST (AWESOME) CAST MEMBER

I am sorry but I, along with millions of teenagers and gays, can not wait to see this movie.  And no, I am not ashamed.  Zac Efron is beautiful and perfect, though admitedly young (he’s20), masturbatory fodder.  HSM is practically porn..if porn were about dancing, singing, high school and having a Disney-approved chaste wholesomeness.

The film is set to be released in October.

Nothing makes you feel older than recalling how into the first season of Real World you were, but I am going to go ahead and do it.

Have you been wondering what happened to the cast?  There was model Eric Nies, Julie the Southern-bred innocent white chick and Heather B, the hard talking rapper chick.  Slightly less memorable was Kevin Powell, who is now running for Congress in Brooklyn.

According to the bio on his web site, Powell “is a political activist, poet, journalist, essayist, hiphop historian, public speaker, and entrepreneur.”  Most notably though, he is down with Dave Chapelle.

First Whitney Thompson broke down barriers becoming America’s first Top Model that was plus-sized.  Now, a new UK reality show one can only imagine was inspired by Heather Mill’s takes it one step further and exploits features models with disabilites. 

Britain’s Missing Top Model, which sounds more like a model kidnapping show, includes amputees and a paraplegic. Hot!!!

For all the shit talk that goes on about reality TV being fake, it does point out on fundamental truth: There will always be whores willing to degrade and humiliate themselves on TV.

But move over Rock of Love and Flavor of Love ladies, the newest reality skank is set to be Ashley Durpe, well known for servicing client #9.  

According to E!, Dupre has been developing an unscripted show with the same production execs who handle Nicole Richie and Pamela Anderson.

Hmmm…Anyone got some possible names?  I am thinking:

The Whore’s Life

Vagina of Love

The Prostitutette

Big Brother’s Hooker

So You Think You Can Sleep With People For Money?

Last Slut Standing

You get the picture.

Related:

DEAR ASHLEY DUPRE: YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

ASHLEY DUPRI’S TUTELA VALUI

On last night’s edition of America’s Got Talent, Busty Hearts displayed her skills at crushing beer cans and breaking boards with her boobs, thus showing our great nation that we also have HUGE knockers that can be used as weapons***/to get on bad reality TV. 

Is there anything more patriotic than this? 

No, no there isn’t.  Watermelon-sized tits are totes the new apple pie and baseball. 

***Watch out terrorists, we’ve got the BOMD (Boobs of Mass Destruction) on our side.

Plot twist!

Last night as Tila prepared to hand her chosen one, Kristy, the final key and asked the oh-so-played-”Are you interested?” she got turned down.

Kristy was not ready yet or some other excuse like the producers told her to do that so they could make yet another fucking season of this trashy, disgusting and utterly addictive show.

Tila and Flavor Flav need to get together, get married and make a newlywed style show.  That would be ratings gold.

You know what the Latin definition of nostalgia is?  It means “you’re old.”

Now that we have covered that, it’s time (once again) to get excited about the upcoming 90210 spin off.  Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth have already been added to the cast and now there is massive buzz over another name from the past that may be added to the roster-Shannon Doherty.

Perez reports that she is currently in talks with producers, ”But, she wants to know what the story is going to be first,” which is Latin for, “I want more money!”

Seeing as she has been in oh, I’d estimate roughly zero movies or TV shows since the Aaron Spelling teen-soap went off the air, I would advise her to take whatever they are offering because I am pretty sure Ian Zierring would do it for around $1.50.

In the past, HBO has really made me feel the hurt for not having cable (Sex and the City, Sopranos, Flight of the Conchords), but now I may juts be forced to give in and pony up the cash. Good work HBO.

The reason: Jason Schwartzman is set to play in a new comedy called Bored to Death.

The actor who stole my heart in Rushmore (and every other Wes Anderson flick since, plus a little I Heart Huckabee action and his amazing band Coconut Records), will play a thirtysomething Brooklynite writer struggling with all those things thirtysomething male writers struggle with: money, alcohol, and women.

So sadly, and not to give away too much anonymity here, it’s basically my life with the gender reversed and the age just a tad (sigh) younger.

But then it takes a turn towards the unreal. To handle it all, Jason’s character draws from his heroes, the grizzled gumshoes of Hammett and Chandler, and becomes a makeshift private eye.

Perhaps I should go this route?

And while the plot seems a bit unrealistic, Jason has a knack for quirky off-beat characters and the script was written by the sometimes misogynistic and always kinky (mostly in a stellar way), New York writer Jonathan Ames, which is probably why it’s on cable and not NBC. Expect a lot of Private Dick jokes.

Damn you HBO. Just take my wallet.

I don’t know about you, but I am seriously excited with anticipation over  the new Office spin-off.  The first hire, Human Giants Aziz Anasari, is making me look forward to it that much more.

Aside from this new announcement all other details on the show are being kept under wraps.  While rumor has it at least one ”Office” character (Please Dwight!) will be incorporated into the new show, Variety reports that it’s unlikely.

Instead, the show will function as a “planted spinoff,” where characters appear first on the original Office before moving to the new series. Think Mork & Mindy-they started out on Happy Days.

So, this has been my first couple days doing the “blog” thing. My first blog post, ever, came on Wednesday. It was long and no body read it (not even my pimp, larkny, who begged asked me to start posting on MD) but I had a really enjoyable time writing it. And I guess that’s the point.

So here’s a quote I find appropriate for the moment from my favorite person ever; it pretty much sums up how I felt about the blogosphere before popping my cherry on 6/4 and subsequently proving to be even more of a hypocrite than originally feared.

Radio Host asks: “What’s your current obsession?”

Moody:

“Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all its really given us has been Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24-hour a day access to kiddie porn.

…And people don’t write anymore, they blog; instead of talking they text. No punctuation, no grammar. ‘LOL’ this and ‘LMFAO’ that. It seems to me like it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with another bunch of stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English.”

– Hank Moody of Californication, writer turned self-loathing blogger

“You drink too much, write too little, and the only exercise you get is in the bedroom. You love women but you hate yourself, so that any woman who really does like you is ultimately deemed a fool. And since that woman could pretty much be anyone, this one is saying goodbye.”
– from Californication

This is, without a doubt, the greatest breakup line I’ve ever heard or ever will hear. If a woman broke up with me saying that I wouldn’t even be sad. I’d be more proud than anything.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you were lucky enough to avoid catching any of the MTV Movie Awards last night, then you missed the weed-filled segment with Seth Rogan and James (God I Love Him) Franco. 

The cameras went wide (Click here for video with no angle switch), leading everyone to believe that the duo’s whole “We’re smoking fake weed” shtick was unapproved and impromptu. 

Many also found it distasteful because they were giving recovered drug addict Robert Downey Junior an award.   

Franco however, says “MTV wrote it! … Then backstage there was this big commotion: ‘You guys can’t say that,’” Franco said. “It says right in the script: ‘Lights fake joint.’”

Which, I am sorry to sound like an old fogey here, but this was completely inappropriate.  The demo for this show skews very young and while pro-pot culture exists all lot of places (including this blog), it’s not suitable for a major program on a major cable station.  If I were a parent, I would be pissed.

This is either going to be great, horrible or so horrible it’s great. Fingers crossed for the later.

That’s right. Start ringing the death toll and immediately begin your search for an affordable apartment somewhere else kids.  Brooklyn is O-V-E-R.

MTV announced the decision today and it just doesn’t seem to make much sense.  I guess that now, in its  21st season, the producers have given  up on trying to stick the angry black kid, the sheltered sort or racist southern belle, the gay jock and the four other token minorities/stereotypes in glam locations. 

It begins shooting this summer so watch out for cameras.  I have a feeling that the hipster’s aren’t going to be to thrilled with all the crew members and douchebagness that’s requisite with The Real World. 

But I guess if there is anyone who will let the cast know what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real, its a kid in painted on skinny jeans, a purple scarf and ironic footwear.