MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

Fit Club contestant, porn tape maker and guy who’ll do anything for money, Dustin Diamond, has come up with yet another idea that should result in short-lived cash flow. Best known for playing the annoying, dorky sidekick of Zack*, Dustin will be releasing a tell-all book called Behind the Bell.

And while I would normally discount this, Dustin isn’t just writing about himself, but will be disclosing the juicy deeds on the, “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying.” Awesome.

*Hopefully the book will also delve into four major problems I always had with SBTB:

1) Why would a cool, popular guy like Zack ever hang out with Screech? High school politics would not allow this to occur. Major breach in believability.

2) The Max. Or more specifically, it’s owner. He was a magician, which, wait, what? I just never understood the need for the scriptwriters to add this pointless eccentricity. Its not like his four seconds of camera time to pull a ribbon out of a hat added any excitement value to the show-they could have just used that four seconds for Screech to fall over again or have Kelly smile.

3) AC Slater’s wardrobe choice (pic below). The muscle tee, the two belts-what was that all about? Everyone else on the show dressed like a normal kid in the late ’80’s early ’90’s except for Slater who was outfitted in this gym rat, Italian guy uniform.

4) And finally, why is it that everyone, when discussing SBTB, inevitably brings up the episode where Jessie Spano gets cracked out on caffeine pills and says the line, “I”m so excited. I’m so..so..scared.” Is it because our adolescent minds were effected by the powerful message against over the counter drug use, or because it was so patently ridiculous?

This headline from today’s Daily Mail is straight out of a sci-fi horror movie.  Could it signal the end of the relentless bear meme that has been circulating the web with tales of their bravery and cuteness as they rub against trees and do other adorable things like lending themselves to Anderson Cooper gay jokes and having sex?

While it seemed likely that this would put a stop to their take-over of the Internet through rampant fuzzy cuddliness, they’ve already struck back with damage control in the form of this awe-inducing video which emerged today on Buzzfeed:

Damn you bears.  Damn you!

Related:

PANDA-MOAN-IUM: PANDA SEX, GRATUITOUS SHOTS OF ADORABLENESS

Pedifish. 

I thought nothing could get worse than that awful Ped Egg commercial which for some reason always comes on when I am eating, but this wins hands (or feet, ha, whatever, is it 6pm yet?) down.

Lately, non-news has been discussing just what a pain in the ass Obama is for late night jokesters and other comedic types, because he’s impossible to make fun of. 

But not so fast-LA Times’ Joel Stein comes up with some pointers and they even include remarks about race.  For instance, Simpson’s writer Matt Selman’s joke is comic gold:  “A lot of people are worried about Obama being assassinated because he’s black. The solution to that is a much blacker vice president. I’m thinking Flavor Flav.”

Ha ha ha.  See that’s funny.  It can be done.  Click here to read and laugh.

Related:

OBAMA IS INVINCIBLE AGAINST LATE NIGHT JOKESTERS

I can’t find an embeddable video, but you have gotta click this.  It’s the best.  During a tee ball game in Kentucky on Weds., little Emily has a chance to meet George Bush.  As she is being led up to the President, she does what anyone with the IQ of a child her age would do and high tails it Forest Gump-style out of the ball park and just keeps on going.

My faith in the future has been re-invigorated.

I have just spent the past hour watching the treasure trove of Gary Busey clips on YouTube and I have to say, it was well worth having to now stay an hour later at work.  I have not laughed this hard in-oh, say, ever.

I have no idea what these videos are for, but I do know they are spectacular.  I wish Gary Busey would adopt me so I could happily live in the presence of his whacked out, bat shit insanity.  He’s like a walking mad lib.

In this clip Gary basically just utters some random words.  Placenta is one of them:

More greatness after the jump.

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I can’t decide which visual I like best: the prissy, unicorn-riding Barack Obama or the swollen-faced, bikini chasing Bill Clinton; one thing’s for certain though — this video is the most we’ve seen of Hillary Clinton in weeks.

(JibJab)

Researchers at Indiana University and Yale University recently published a study in the Journal of Psychological Science which basically tells us what everyone learned back in high school:

(1) women are better than men at interpreting facial expressions and body language and (2) men have a tendency to oversexualize social situations or miss the message entirely.

Shocker! But CNN.com writes up the findings of this study anyway in a piece called: “She’s just not that into you — or is she?”

When you cut through the anecdotal stories of men who have been shot down and/or misread the “signs,” it arrives upon — most helpfully perhaps — a bullet point list of things to look for in women’s body language that can help men better understand “what women are thinking.”

Take a look at the list and let us know if any of this crap is actually worthwhile, or if you have anything to add to the list — aside from the obvious signals like her saying “come home with me” — we’d love to hear it.

• Is she licking her lips? “When a woman allows herself to feel nervously excited about the possibility of you, the ensuing physiological response can be a dry mouth and lips … Women also know that licking their lips can drive men wild and certainly get their attention.”

• Is she crossing her legs and playfully dangling her shoe as she glances your way? If so, here’s what it might mean: “She’s calling attention to her legs and hoping you like what you see.”

• Has she touched your arm or hand? “One of the strongest signals a woman can give is a touch on the arm or hand … If she does this, it’s time to get her digits.”

• What’s her posture like? If she’s leaning in, you’re in luck. “It’s a signal that she feels safe in your presence and wants a little more of you than every other woman in the room is currently getting.”

• Is she playing with her hair? This could mean that she wants to look good for you and is hoping you find her attractive.

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This video for True North nuts just made my day.  It is simply, extraordinarily, funny and oh so nutty.

The other day I suggested someone jump on top of Jesse Jackson’s comments about wanting to emasculate Obama  and make a bag of mixed nuts marketed as Obama Nuts.  If this product name in this commercial was changed from True North to O-Nuts or possibly Bam-Nuts or maybe even Barack O’Nuts, it would be perfect.

As to whether they say nutsack or nutsnack, it’s hard to tell.  I’ve watched this three times now and still can’t make it out over the sound of my own laughter.

PS-I’m mature, I know.

(Via VideoGum)

Miss USA Cystle Stewart bit it last night during the Miss Universe pageant and while usually pretty women falling is hilarious, this just wasn’t that funny.  

Last year’s Miss USA, Rachel Smith, also fell, making this display seem like 1) someone back stage is screwing with America’s beautiful vacant heads and telling them it’s mandatory or 2) a ploy to get the judges sympathy. 

While last year the “feel bad for me cuz I am klutzy,” schtick got Rachel into the top 5, this year Crystle did not make it that far.

Click through to see last years fall as well as a video of a model falling on the runway that displays how to make your embaressment as funny as possible.

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You may have heard the original voice mail left by Demetri, a stud who has no time for women who won’t call him back. This is the unbelievably sweet Biggie Smalls remix.

Related: PSYCHO EX-GIRLFRIEND

I’m sorry.  I just couldn’t resist.

As if we needed further proof of how nuts people in Europe can be — check out the Annual Wife Carrying Contest in Finland, where husbands throw their spouses over their shoulders and run around an obstacle course.  Winning teams get the wife’s weight in free beer.

The contest traces its origins back to a 19th century European criminal nicknamed The Robber, who tested the mettle of his men by forcing them to carry pigs on their backs around a similar course in a demonstration of manliness.  But some think the contest’s roots date back even further to a tribal custom in Europe called “wife stealing” …which actually sounds like a better historical precedent to me than swine carrying.

The Politico has a story today about the greying of Barack Obama’s hair since he began his run for president. Obama recently admitted, “The gray is coming quick,” and now appears to “dust his head like snowflakes,” according to the Politico.

Obama will be 47 years old when he takes the Oath of Office next year, so a little salt-n-pepper up there isn’t uncommon among men his age. It’s his “baby face” that oftens leads people to think he’s younger than he is; they forget, for example, when talking about his youth and lack of “seasoning” that Bill Clinton was 46 when he was elected President, JFK was 43, and Teddy Roosevelt, at the tender age of 42, was still wet behind the ears compared to Obama.

From a political standpoint: you gotta figure the grey hairs help Obama with older voters and that the youth will be too stoned this summer to notice. Women have always gone for “older men” so he’s got no worries there, and The Advocate tells us that we’re now entering “The Age of the Silver Fox,” so Obama’s even got The Gays covered on this.

I just hope that neither he nor Michelle opt for the Just For Men route.

Not because I have anything against men dying their hair, but were Obama to “darken it” back to its natural color, the GOP would devote weeks to explaining how this demonstrates Obama is “out of touch with the aging process in America” and “what hard working seniors have to go through” — or we’d see the graphic below appear on every FOX News affiliate in the country while debate raged as to whether Obama dyed his hair in solidarity with the terrorist threat.

“Faceless Aliens” are popping up in Europe.  If ever you see one of these “mutants” in real life, be like the guy sitting to the male alien’s left: recognize that whoever it is is just doing this for attention and don’t given them what they want.  If the day ever comes when there’s money to be made being a “faceless alien,” a little piece of all of us who actually work for a living dies that day.

Click through for more images.

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[UPDATE] for more, see YOUR TIME IN THE SUN: OBAMA & FISA

[ORIGINAL POST]  Funny man Andy Borowitz puts a comedic slant on an argument I made in all seriousness about the fierce backlash many liberal blogs have had to Obama’s FISA shift.

I take the position of one of my political heroes, Ted Sorensen, who was JFK’s longtime advisor and speechwriter, who writes in his new book Counselor:

“I started out from my father’s house as a liberal idealist who learned … that philosophical purity can be so unrealistic as to deny the incremental success necessary to implement my ideals.  The point at which our philosphies [ought to] converge [is] ’idealism without illusion,’ the art of the possible, the ability to compromise on tactics without compromising principles.”**

Some would say that Obama didn’t compromise so much as he abandoned his principles on the FISA issue, but I would argue that what he did was much closer to “idealism without illusion” than a morally vacuous flip flop.

Borowitz’s amusing post is copied after the jump.

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The guy who sells me coffee and cigarettes in the morning has the right philosophy going into the long holiday weekend…

But just remember, if you are planning to get drunk and make some bad decisions this weekend — especially if you’re living in the NYC area — make sure to go out and buy (and use!) either a signature Barack Obama or John McCain Condom.  It’s the patriotic way to stay safe this weekend.

Related:

OBAMA, McCAIN: “ASK NOT WHAT YOUR STDs CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR STDs”

NYC: NEXT TIME HE TELLS YOU HIS CONDOM IS “INVISIBLE,” DON’T PRETEND LIKE IT’S CUTE!

Oh, YES WE CAN!

Read the rest of this entry »

The Obama’s are getting a pet!  The Democratic nominee has promised his two daughters a dog after the presidential election whether he wins or loses.

To help him out, the American Kennel Club has created this fun website that allows you to take part in a bit of doggy democracy by voting on what dog you think the Obama’s should purchase.

Choose from a list of “canine candidates” which have been asessed by  breed for their “credentials as potential “first pet.”"  All dogs are also hypoallergenic due to Bam’s daughters’ allergies.

Brick Top puts it out there. This guy runs it down.

Click through for some best of Craigslist hilarity.

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Jimmy’s Unnecessary Censorship bits are always brilliant and hilarious, but this one just made my week.  (Sad.)

…of which we’re glad to have quite a few. Not all of Hollywood is in the tank for Obama. Baldwin say’s he’ll defect if Mr Hope gets elected.

(via the Observer)

A Japanese firm began today to accept reservations for couples who would like to say their “I DOs” in zero gravity. For only $2.3 million dollars you and your sweetie can blast off on a rocket ship, fly for about an hour until you’re 60 miles into the atmosphere, and tie the knot. Sound cool?

For my money, the main reason you go into outer space is so you can float around in your spaceship. But these shuttles will allow for very limited time in zero gravity because they won’t be going that far into orbit.

You can kind of understand why this group isn’t risking giving people a better view of the earth on their special day: imagine the headlines you’d have if a newly wedded couple wafted off into space by some freak computer error.

And of course, there will be no post-ceremonial sex allowed on the shuttle — because if the firm won’t even allow you to float around in their spacecraft, you can imagine their no-nonense policy on bodily fluids.

When he’s not out saving us from John McCain’s warmongering (slash) economic illiteracy, somehow BAM finds the time to play matchmaker for lonely, disaffected youth. Amazing.

Generation Obama Singles: “Make new friends, maybe meet someone special, and support Obama ‘08 all at the same time.”

If I wasn’t happily wifed up right now, this would be what I’d call a “target rich environment.”

(hat tip: Ben)

 (Via Buzzfeed)