MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

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I can’t even pick what I think it best: Horton Hears a Ho or The Suck-It List. Party on guys!

-Michael Lohan speaks what everyone else just thinks-his daughter and Sam “She’s a lesbo” Ronson are those kind of “friends.”  (US)

-American Idol winner David Cook and Kimberly Caldwell are dating.  This should last all of..it’s over.  not really, but I am betting almost. (FOX)

-Nicole Kidmanis no longer shirking in the face of possible blackmailing from her days of being “audited” (forced to confess everything) by Scientologist.  The preggers Aussie says Tom turned the kids against her. (Showbiz Spy)

-Manitson has been together for three months.  In tabloid years they are practically married. (P6)

-The body of Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson’s relationship isn’t even cold and she is already making out all over Cannes with uni-baller Lance Armstrong.  (OK)

-Thank god it’s over.  David Cook has won Idol and is now free to continue his unforgiving contract.  Look for him on Home Shopping Network next, shilling his cd as a buy-one, get-one special with Clay Aiken. (People)

-Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are spending $20 million on the birth of their twins.  Items include a helicopter waiting in case of labor,  home rental in France and $100,000 for nine cars.  Because, you know, eight of them may break down, along with the helicopter, and then where would they be?  In a word: Screwed.  (MSNBC)

-You said gimmie more, gimmie gimmie more and Brit has answered.  The seems-to-be-getting-on-her-feet singer is back in the studio with the producers who helped her on her Blackout album.  (People)

-Vince Vaughn speaks what everyone else just thinks: John Mayer is using Jen for PR.  You almost want to give the couple the benefit of the doubt in this case, if only for Vince to have a chance to pull a real wedding crash. (MSNBC)

-Denise Richards still won’t shut up about Charlie Sheen and his sperm, which oddly enough does not make me want to watch her reaity TV show.  A inside soruce reveals that said sperm have been crying non-stop,  asking what the hell they ever did to deserve this kind of negative media attention. (PG6)

-Jen Aniston is keeping it classy saying John Mayer is way better in bed that Brad Pitt.  Perhaps Brad did not sing Your Body is A Wonderland to her?  Either way this is something I would be happy to compare for myself.  (Showbiz Spy)

-Jessica Alba and Cash Warren made it honest by getting married.  The baby will be born this summer, while her career has been dead since she got knocked up.  It’s the circle of life.  (Rush & Molloy)

-Beyonce was seen NOT drinking.  By tabloid logic, that must mean she is pregnant. And as you know, tabloid logic is never wrong.  (PG6)

-Denise Richards went on the Today show this morning to bitch about her claim to fame, Charlie Sheen.  She claims she didn’t ask for his sperm, he claims she did, sperm plead the 5th.  (People)

-Lilly Allen, who this year broke an engagement, had a miscarriage and got her TV show cancelled,  continues to get the shaft as she appears wasted and topless all over France. At least she is probably too sauced to realize this disaster.  Keep on tipping back girlfriend. (PG6)

-Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have signed a prenup. Got that Emo kids? (Showbiz Spy)

- Kristi Yamaguchiis kind of like Hillary Clinton, except she actually won Dancing with the Stars, making one of the first woman ever in the history of the show.  First step: reality TV, Next step: the White House? (People)

-That bump on Nicole Kidman’s belly?  There are babies in there. And-gasp!-she is excited about it!   (People) 

-Shania Twain’s hubby Robert Lange has been cheating with their longtime secretary, thus living up to his nickname “Mutt.” (PerezHilton)

-Life sucks for Keifer Sutherland.  His marriage is officially dunzo, he has been arrested 2x for DUi and worst of all, 24 wants to cut back on the violent scenes. Poor guy-no sex, no booze and no gratuitous ass kicking. What else is there to live for?  (Reuters)

-Brangelina keeps on living the charmed life, having dinner with Mick Jagger and Clint Eastwood in France.  Can’t these two ever just go to McDonalds to make America feel a bit better about itself?  (People)

-Britney and K-Fed are meeting vis-a-vis today to discuss their never-ending custody battle.   Outlook: Their children have a 100% chance of being fucked up. (OK!)  Meanwhile Brit’s mom is taking advice from one of the Real Housewives Of New York City, so now we know where the cycle began. [P6]

-Rumer Willis is the ugly man’s Paris Hilton.  Demi’s daughter has been seen dancing on tables in NY and drinking Red Bull.  (Rush & Molloy)

-Kimberly Stewart is the hot, must-have-been-wasted man’s whore.  Rod’s daughter was seen making out with Sienna Miller’s ex, Jude Law. (OK!) 

-If you’re rich and famous, why pay for stuff?  Lindsay Lohan is offering sponsorship opportunities for her birthday party, which will be an ”internationally media worthy event.” It’s just like the Olympics but with more booze and fake hair extensions. Oh, and no sports or foreign people. If interested, click here. 

-Pete and Ash got hitched.  Jess showed up with Tony Romo.  If you care, I hate you. I’m not even going to link.  Find it yourself.  (People)

-Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are total PR geniuses.  Not only do they break up and make up for cover stories and pose photo shoots, but they are now getting press on their plan to fake pregnancy to get press.  It’s all so meta and brilliant. (Celebitchy)

-John Stamos got a shiner from a “kickboxing accident.”  Even sadder than a bruised eye?  Having your first Page Six mention in like 10 years, because of it.  (P6)

-WilHud broke up on moments ago and already Kate Hudson has got a new man.  The 10 Things I hate About You Actress is rebounding with uni-baller Lance Armstrong. (People)

-Britney Spears’ vacation with Mel Gibson in Costa Rica is over.  No news yet on whether or not she now hates Jews. (OK!)

-Scarlett Johnsson is the new Mariah Carey.  She was absent from the premier of her new Woody Allen flick in Cannes because the studio wouldn’t pony up 20,000 euros for a make-up artists.  Even a Tom Waits cover album can’t un-diva her now. (Daily Mail)

-EXCLUSIVE news - That huge bump on Angelina’s belly - there are babies in there.  OMG!  (Sun)

-Another Miley scandal!  An LA band called Lustra is claiming that the teen sensation’s song sounds pretty similar to one of their own.  Can we just fast forward through the part where she bloats up from a Cheeto’s addiction, marries and divorces and aspiring rapper and winds up writhing half naked on the MTV Video Music Awards?  (P6)

-WilHud has broken up.  Seeing as how there last names are practically impossible to combine together, it was inevitable.  Both Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have already been seen out partying.  (People)

-The gals of Sex and the City all love each other just as much in reality as on screen.  Okay people?  Does it really matter?  Get over it.  (Daily Star)

-Ha ha ha ha.  Amy Winehouse keeps calling the songs fellow song writer Pete Doherty has written for her “shit” and “rubbish.” These two are so having sex. Dirty, nasty sex in which they punch each other in between taking hits off a crack pipe.   (Mirror)

-Will Smith, who never went to college (because he didn’t need to), has started a kid’s school. With a tuition of $12,500, he had better be teaching and it better be some sort of Men in Black type shit.  Applications are being accepted now. (Celebitchy)

(Via VideoGum)

I love Paul Rudd just as much as I love P Diddy, only genuinely.  He is always hilarious.  Check out the above clip from some straight to DVD Michelle Pfeiffer vehicle called I Could Never Be Your Woman.  He busts some seriously funky dance moves.

The two left for Costa Rica this morning with Brit’s dad Jamie in tow.

I for one am seriously concerned. Brit’s in a fragile state of mind right now and could easily be controlled by a stronger willed person and taken advantage of (um, hello Adnan Ghalib, Dr. Phil). Being that for Mel’s last role he played the raging anti-sematic maniac drunk on the side of the road, I find this very scary.

If Britney started to hate the Jews, it would be disasterous. Nazi’s would have to start listening to pop music and wearing middriffs.  No, but really, so many people are influenced and swayed by her despite the fact that she is far from a role model.

Someone please call Madonna stat so that she can send Brit some kaballah water.

-Maniston hits up NYC’s The Waverly Inn, aka the only place that paps consistently stand outside of in the city, again proving that they are not a PR stunt.  Yeah. 

-Britney has a rumored sex tape with Adnan Ghalib, making this the only sex tape I would pay not to see.  Also-She might be preggers again!  If you can’t see your kids, why not just make another one?(Sun)

-For those four of you who still care (losers!) Syesha got kicked off American Idol last night leaving the two David’s to battle it out for the chance to be in an unforgiving contract.  Fantasia Barino popped up last night to take the words out of my mouth by singing Bore Me. (MSNBC)

- Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are doing their wedding like Emo kids everywhere-Cheaply.  The pair sent out Evites and are auctioning off press passes to the tune of $1 million. Papa Joe is likely ecstatic, in talks about making a new Jess and Nick style reality show, and already pressuring People to pay up for future baby pics.  Ah, love.  (Daily News)

-Gossip gal Michelle Trachtneberg fainted on Tuesday at the Sunglass Hut.  Perhaps she heard something really juicy about Ray Ban? (P6)

- Reese Witherspoon And Jake Gyllenhaal might be getting married, dashing my hopes of ever marrying Jake.  Since I had sort of gotten over that a while ago, all I have to say is ZZZZZZzzzzz. (INO)

-Tom & Katie are planning on spawning another Thetan messiah.  Watch out Xenu! (E!)  Once the kid is weened off of Scientology founder Ron L. Hubbards baby formula of honey, discovered when he time traveled back to ancient Rome, baby Cruise will be ready to go intergalactic on your ass. (Defamer)

-Benji Madden bought Paris a diamond wedding band because they hadn’t gotten press in like, five minutes.  Next up-fake wedding.  You know, just for fun! (People)

-The Hogan boy is totally going to jail.  Inmates are already placing bets on who kick the ass of Hulk’s offspring. (PerezHilton)

-Hottie Gossip Boy and alleged closet homosexual Chace Crawford describes his perfect date of cheap booze and a ballgame thus turning off all New york women.  I guess he can finally get some peace around this city. (People)

-Katherine Heigl may quit Grey’s Anatomy to work on her budding movie career of being the next Kate Hudson.  So many poorly written rom-coms, so little time.  (ShowBiz Spy)

-Poor Liv Tyler is getting seperated.  A gajillion Lord of the Rings dorks rejoice in hopes of bestowing a ring of their own upon the elvin goddess. (People)

-That chick who is related to Jessica Simpson and dating Pete Wentz finally catches on to popular culture and calls Britney “trashy.”  Britney responds, “Who are you?”  (Sun)

-Demi and Ashton may adopt, because what more does a 30 year old hunk need than an old lady for a wife and three step-daughters?  Apparently, an orphan. (WENN)

Britney Spears is back in court with K-Fed today for their never-ending custody battle.  They are discussing her mental state.  in my un-expert opinion, it’s still fucked.  (OK!)

Rapid Aniston fans hopeful for her immediate wedding to John Mayer after their ONE weekend in Miami weekend are about to be crushed.  The rockstar is back in NY hanging on drunk blond chicks.  Shocker?  [P6]

Maxim must be smarter than I had thought.  They have somehow found a way to distinguish between the two Olsens.  MK was left of their Hot 100 list, but Ash was on there as #47.  [P6]

Yeehaw!  Jenna Bush is getting hitched this weekend at the family ranch in Texas.  She will be doing the ho-down in Oscar De Le Renta.  [AP]

Dina Lohan, who has had one kid in rehab several time and is about to pimp the other one out on reality TV, has been named Mother of the Year by a women’s group.  The group is based in Long Island.  Go figure. (PG6)

Tom Cruise is launching a full scale PR comeback.  Leveraging the 25th anniversary of his booty shaking in Risky Business, the Scientologist appeared on Oprah 2x and now has his very own, somewhat creepy web site, TomCruise.com.