MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

-That bump on Nicole Kidman’s belly?  There are babies in there. And-gasp!-she is excited about it!   (People) 

-Shania Twain’s hubby Robert Lange has been cheating with their longtime secretary, thus living up to his nickname “Mutt.” (PerezHilton)

-Life sucks for Keifer Sutherland.  His marriage is officially dunzo, he has been arrested 2x for DUi and worst of all, 24 wants to cut back on the violent scenes. Poor guy-no sex, no booze and no gratuitous ass kicking. What else is there to live for?  (Reuters)

-Brangelina keeps on living the charmed life, having dinner with Mick Jagger and Clint Eastwood in France.  Can’t these two ever just go to McDonalds to make America feel a bit better about itself?  (People)

-Britney and K-Fed are meeting vis-a-vis today to discuss their never-ending custody battle.   Outlook: Their children have a 100% chance of being fucked up. (OK!)  Meanwhile Brit’s mom is taking advice from one of the Real Housewives Of New York City, so now we know where the cycle began. [P6]

-Rumer Willis is the ugly man’s Paris Hilton.  Demi’s daughter has been seen dancing on tables in NY and drinking Red Bull.  (Rush & Molloy)

-Kimberly Stewart is the hot, must-have-been-wasted man’s whore.  Rod’s daughter was seen making out with Sienna Miller’s ex, Jude Law. (OK!) 

-Tom & Katie are planning on spawning another Thetan messiah.  Watch out Xenu! (E!)  Once the kid is weened off of Scientology founder Ron L. Hubbards baby formula of honey, discovered when he time traveled back to ancient Rome, baby Cruise will be ready to go intergalactic on your ass. (Defamer)

-Benji Madden bought Paris a diamond wedding band because they hadn’t gotten press in like, five minutes.  Next up-fake wedding.  You know, just for fun! (People)

-The Hogan boy is totally going to jail.  Inmates are already placing bets on who kick the ass of Hulk’s offspring. (PerezHilton)

-Hottie Gossip Boy and alleged closet homosexual Chace Crawford describes his perfect date of cheap booze and a ballgame thus turning off all New york women.  I guess he can finally get some peace around this city. (People)

-Katherine Heigl may quit Grey’s Anatomy to work on her budding movie career of being the next Kate Hudson.  So many poorly written rom-coms, so little time.  (ShowBiz Spy)

-Poor Liv Tyler is getting seperated.  A gajillion Lord of the Rings dorks rejoice in hopes of bestowing a ring of their own upon the elvin goddess. (People)

-That chick who is related to Jessica Simpson and dating Pete Wentz finally catches on to popular culture and calls Britney “trashy.”  Britney responds, “Who are you?”  (Sun)

-Demi and Ashton may adopt, because what more does a 30 year old hunk need than an old lady for a wife and three step-daughters?  Apparently, an orphan. (WENN)