MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

-Michael Lohan speaks what everyone else just thinks-his daughter and Sam “She’s a lesbo” Ronson are those kind of “friends.”  (US)

-American Idol winner David Cook and Kimberly Caldwell are dating.  This should last all of..it’s over.  not really, but I am betting almost. (FOX)

-Nicole Kidmanis no longer shirking in the face of possible blackmailing from her days of being “audited” (forced to confess everything) by Scientologist.  The preggers Aussie says Tom turned the kids against her. (Showbiz Spy)

-Manitson has been together for three months.  In tabloid years they are practically married. (P6)

-The body of Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson’s relationship isn’t even cold and she is already making out all over Cannes with uni-baller Lance Armstrong.  (OK)

-Thank god it’s over.  David Cook has won Idol and is now free to continue his unforgiving contract.  Look for him on Home Shopping Network next, shilling his cd as a buy-one, get-one special with Clay Aiken. (People)

-Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are spending $20 million on the birth of their twins.  Items include a helicopter waiting in case of labor,  home rental in France and $100,000 for nine cars.  Because, you know, eight of them may break down, along with the helicopter, and then where would they be?  In a word: Screwed.  (MSNBC)

-You said gimmie more, gimmie gimmie more and Brit has answered.  The seems-to-be-getting-on-her-feet singer is back in the studio with the producers who helped her on her Blackout album.  (People)

-Vince Vaughn speaks what everyone else just thinks: John Mayer is using Jen for PR.  You almost want to give the couple the benefit of the doubt in this case, if only for Vince to have a chance to pull a real wedding crash. (MSNBC)

-Denise Richards still won’t shut up about Charlie Sheen and his sperm, which oddly enough does not make me want to watch her reaity TV show.  A inside soruce reveals that said sperm have been crying non-stop,  asking what the hell they ever did to deserve this kind of negative media attention. (PG6)

-Jen Aniston is keeping it classy saying John Mayer is way better in bed that Brad Pitt.  Perhaps Brad did not sing Your Body is A Wonderland to her?  Either way this is something I would be happy to compare for myself.  (Showbiz Spy)

-Jessica Alba and Cash Warren made it honest by getting married.  The baby will be born this summer, while her career has been dead since she got knocked up.  It’s the circle of life.  (Rush & Molloy)

-Beyonce was seen NOT drinking.  By tabloid logic, that must mean she is pregnant. And as you know, tabloid logic is never wrong.  (PG6)

-Denise Richards went on the Today show this morning to bitch about her claim to fame, Charlie Sheen.  She claims she didn’t ask for his sperm, he claims she did, sperm plead the 5th.  (People)

-Lilly Allen, who this year broke an engagement, had a miscarriage and got her TV show cancelled,  continues to get the shaft as she appears wasted and topless all over France. At least she is probably too sauced to realize this disaster.  Keep on tipping back girlfriend. (PG6)

-Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have signed a prenup. Got that Emo kids? (Showbiz Spy)

- Kristi Yamaguchiis kind of like Hillary Clinton, except she actually won Dancing with the Stars, making one of the first woman ever in the history of the show.  First step: reality TV, Next step: the White House? (People)

-Maniston hits up NYC’s The Waverly Inn, aka the only place that paps consistently stand outside of in the city, again proving that they are not a PR stunt.  Yeah. 

-Britney has a rumored sex tape with Adnan Ghalib, making this the only sex tape I would pay not to see.  Also-She might be preggers again!  If you can’t see your kids, why not just make another one?(Sun)

-For those four of you who still care (losers!) Syesha got kicked off American Idol last night leaving the two David’s to battle it out for the chance to be in an unforgiving contract.  Fantasia Barino popped up last night to take the words out of my mouth by singing Bore Me. (MSNBC)

- Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are doing their wedding like Emo kids everywhere-Cheaply.  The pair sent out Evites and are auctioning off press passes to the tune of $1 million. Papa Joe is likely ecstatic, in talks about making a new Jess and Nick style reality show, and already pressuring People to pay up for future baby pics.  Ah, love.  (Daily News)

-Gossip gal Michelle Trachtneberg fainted on Tuesday at the Sunglass Hut.  Perhaps she heard something really juicy about Ray Ban? (P6)

- Reese Witherspoon And Jake Gyllenhaal might be getting married, dashing my hopes of ever marrying Jake.  Since I had sort of gotten over that a while ago, all I have to say is ZZZZZZzzzzz. (INO)

Makin’ Music with John Mayer on FunnyOrDie.com

“If I can’t get the girl, why don’t I just tell her I’m John Mayer?”