MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

-Jen Aniston is keeping it classy saying John Mayer is way better in bed that Brad Pitt.  Perhaps Brad did not sing Your Body is A Wonderland to her?  Either way this is something I would be happy to compare for myself.  (Showbiz Spy)

-Jessica Alba and Cash Warren made it honest by getting married.  The baby will be born this summer, while her career has been dead since she got knocked up.  It’s the circle of life.  (Rush & Molloy)

-Beyonce was seen NOT drinking.  By tabloid logic, that must mean she is pregnant. And as you know, tabloid logic is never wrong.  (PG6)

-Denise Richards went on the Today show this morning to bitch about her claim to fame, Charlie Sheen.  She claims she didn’t ask for his sperm, he claims she did, sperm plead the 5th.  (People)

-Lilly Allen, who this year broke an engagement, had a miscarriage and got her TV show cancelled,  continues to get the shaft as she appears wasted and topless all over France. At least she is probably too sauced to realize this disaster.  Keep on tipping back girlfriend. (PG6)

-Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have signed a prenup. Got that Emo kids? (Showbiz Spy)

- Kristi Yamaguchiis kind of like Hillary Clinton, except she actually won Dancing with the Stars, making one of the first woman ever in the history of the show.  First step: reality TV, Next step: the White House? (People)

-If you’re rich and famous, why pay for stuff?  Lindsay Lohan is offering sponsorship opportunities for her birthday party, which will be an ”internationally media worthy event.” It’s just like the Olympics but with more booze and fake hair extensions. Oh, and no sports or foreign people. If interested, click here. 

-Pete and Ash got hitched.  Jess showed up with Tony Romo.  If you care, I hate you. I’m not even going to link.  Find it yourself.  (People)

-Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are total PR geniuses.  Not only do they break up and make up for cover stories and pose photo shoots, but they are now getting press on their plan to fake pregnancy to get press.  It’s all so meta and brilliant. (Celebitchy)

-John Stamos got a shiner from a “kickboxing accident.”  Even sadder than a bruised eye?  Having your first Page Six mention in like 10 years, because of it.  (P6)

-WilHud broke up on moments ago and already Kate Hudson has got a new man.  The 10 Things I hate About You Actress is rebounding with uni-baller Lance Armstrong. (People)

-Britney Spears’ vacation with Mel Gibson in Costa Rica is over.  No news yet on whether or not she now hates Jews. (OK!)

-Scarlett Johnsson is the new Mariah Carey.  She was absent from the premier of her new Woody Allen flick in Cannes because the studio wouldn’t pony up 20,000 euros for a make-up artists.  Even a Tom Waits cover album can’t un-diva her now. (Daily Mail)

-Maniston hits up NYC’s The Waverly Inn, aka the only place that paps consistently stand outside of in the city, again proving that they are not a PR stunt.  Yeah. 

-Britney has a rumored sex tape with Adnan Ghalib, making this the only sex tape I would pay not to see.  Also-She might be preggers again!  If you can’t see your kids, why not just make another one?(Sun)

-For those four of you who still care (losers!) Syesha got kicked off American Idol last night leaving the two David’s to battle it out for the chance to be in an unforgiving contract.  Fantasia Barino popped up last night to take the words out of my mouth by singing Bore Me. (MSNBC)

- Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are doing their wedding like Emo kids everywhere-Cheaply.  The pair sent out Evites and are auctioning off press passes to the tune of $1 million. Papa Joe is likely ecstatic, in talks about making a new Jess and Nick style reality show, and already pressuring People to pay up for future baby pics.  Ah, love.  (Daily News)

-Gossip gal Michelle Trachtneberg fainted on Tuesday at the Sunglass Hut.  Perhaps she heard something really juicy about Ray Ban? (P6)

- Reese Witherspoon And Jake Gyllenhaal might be getting married, dashing my hopes of ever marrying Jake.  Since I had sort of gotten over that a while ago, all I have to say is ZZZZZZzzzzz. (INO)