MEANINGFUL DISTRACTION

Shots from Bindi Irwin’s birthday.

Not only does her fete oddly take place on a tennis court, but check out that cake.

Sure, it’s pretty clear that mom Terri is exploiting her child with the television show and horrible nature raps, but this goes way too far.

What child is like, “Hey mom, instead of a unicorn or Barbie or a koala on my cake, can we put my dead dad on there? Please. Dibs on dad’s face — the hair has the best frosting.”

Someone call child services. Or a therapist.

Fit Club contestant, porn tape maker and guy who’ll do anything for money, Dustin Diamond, has come up with yet another idea that should result in short-lived cash flow. Best known for playing the annoying, dorky sidekick of Zack*, Dustin will be releasing a tell-all book called Behind the Bell.

And while I would normally discount this, Dustin isn’t just writing about himself, but will be disclosing the juicy deeds on the, “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying.” Awesome.

*Hopefully the book will also delve into four major problems I always had with SBTB:

1) Why would a cool, popular guy like Zack ever hang out with Screech? High school politics would not allow this to occur. Major breach in believability.

2) The Max. Or more specifically, it’s owner. He was a magician, which, wait, what? I just never understood the need for the scriptwriters to add this pointless eccentricity. Its not like his four seconds of camera time to pull a ribbon out of a hat added any excitement value to the show-they could have just used that four seconds for Screech to fall over again or have Kelly smile.

3) AC Slater’s wardrobe choice (pic below). The muscle tee, the two belts-what was that all about? Everyone else on the show dressed like a normal kid in the late ’80’s early ’90’s except for Slater who was outfitted in this gym rat, Italian guy uniform.

4) And finally, why is it that everyone, when discussing SBTB, inevitably brings up the episode where Jessie Spano gets cracked out on caffeine pills and says the line, “I”m so excited. I’m so..so..scared.” Is it because our adolescent minds were effected by the powerful message against over the counter drug use, or because it was so patently ridiculous?

Dark Knight who?  This is the video you’ve been waiting to see.  It’s release comes shortly after the sentencing of Kid Rock on Monday for one count of baw-wit-ta-ba-di-dang-di-dang-battery in connection with this incident.  He’ll serve one year of probation, six hours of anger-management counseling, 80 hours of community service and has to pay a $1,000 fine.

Warning:  If you are attracted to Matthew, this is going to kill that for you.  Unless of course your into this sort of thing.  In which case-I hate you.

In this week’s issue of US he makes it clear that he can not act like a normal adult or put down the bong for the length of time it took his girlfriend to give birth saying “Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”

A few updates on the “Did Batman beat his momma?” drama.

Bale is trying to get out in front of the story by having a “source close to the actor” relay his version of what happened over the weekend.

(1) Bale, who has already denied assaulting his mother and sister, does admit to getting angry with his family and blames his mother for his outburst. The anonymous Bale-friendly “source” with knowledge of the situation spoke to Mail Online, claiming:

“Christian was stressed, but he didn’t lay a finger on anyone. Instead, he flew off the handle and cussed his mother. He just got very loud because his mother was saying some very outrageous things about him, and his wife.”

The same source also claims that Bale’s temper owes in part to a deep depression he’s been feeling over the death of his friend Heath Ledger.

(2) But TMZ is also reporting that Bale’s fiery disposition was in full force last week as well. On the set of Terminator 4, TMZ’s spies claim that the 34 year old actor blew up at the film’s director of photography, screaming: “I will kick your ass” along with some “other choice remarks.”

(3) Today’s NYPost digs up a quote from Bale where he once told E! Online: “If everyone really knew what a jerk I am in real life, I wouldn’t be so adored in the slightest.”

(Conclusion) From where I stand it seems like, when the cameras are off, Christian Bale is just a miserable guy with a bad temper. I have no doubt that he blew up at his family this weekend and I wouldn’t even be surprised to find out that he did put his hands on them.

But what’s most interesting about this story is: how did the police get involved? Bale’s family is trying to tamp down the story, and they are expressing curiosity as to who notified the authorities.

Let’s say Bale did get rough with his mom. Shameful thing to do. But does mom then call the police on her son, knowing what it might do to his career?

Related: DID BATMAN BEAT HIS MOMMA?

[Photo: Batman star Christian Bale leaving the London police station after nearly 5 hours of interrogation]

Google Trends is an addictive little device that lets bloggers and other newsy Internet types know what people are looking for out there on the vast interwebs.  Today, “Patrick Swayze Suicide,” is for some reason a hotly googled item. 

Just to calm anyone out there who is upset by this-Patrick is alive and actually doing well.  He even recently told reporters, “I’m cooking. I’m a miracle, dude. I don’t know why. I’m doing really well. I feel really good. I’ve put on 20 pounds. I should be dead right now. Look at me - I’m a miracle.”

Which is great, right?  But I want to know where the rumor started.  Any guesses?

I love the Broderick-Parkers and am going to blatantly ignore this story and all loosely based evidence that I am sure is contained with in the article.  But just in case-Ferris, you bastard!  We love you SJP.  Stay strong.

Related:

THE NEW INFIDELITY — TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE WHO’VE BEEN CHEATED ON

The legendary actress who gave us so many hilarious moments passed away today at the age of 84.  She had been battling dementia for years.

Rest in peace Sophia.

UPDATE: Bale denies the charges.

UPDATE II: for more see, BATMAN STAR CHRISTIAN BALE: “EVERYONE HAS A DARK SIDE”

Batman star Christian Bale was arrested and questioned today in London by the police. He’s being accused of assault…by his mother and sister.

According to AP: “His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.”

The police failed to interrogate him on Monday because it would have interfered with his mega-premiere of Dark Knight in London. That was nice of them.

Click through for the full story.

Read the rest of this entry »

And this woman doesn’t have custody?  What is wrong with the world.*

*Sarcasm.

So this weekend in a state of Jack Daniels hang-over I found myself watching the Brooke Hogan show. 

First off-she is in no way, twenty years old.  She looks at least thirty.  At least.

Secondly, she by no means “knows best.”  When interviewing new roomates in a segment that was obviously taped before Hillary dropped out, Brooke states:

“You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?”

If she’s really too fraught with PMS and emotions and other “lady stuff,” then she shouldn’t have a show either, or a singing “career.”  Boycott!

I’ve gotten a bit sick of Will Ferrell lately, but his acceptance speech during last night’s Espy’s along with his promos were actually pretty hilarious.  Click here to see him and John C. Reilly’s Espy demands.

JT was just suberb:

This second clip is incredibly timely since the Third Circuit overturned the $550,000 fine CBS paid the FCC for the nipple baring incident, today.

Much like Gary Busey, only far less insane, Diddy is always reliable for a laugh.  In this video, the rap/vodka mogul gets all spiritual about running.  A few of my favorite lines include:

“I’m running and all of a sudden I really start to hear me running.  I actually catch myself hearing myself breathe and run and like, I look down and I realize that I’m running. I’m actually running.  I actually have ten fingers and ten toes and I can see.”

Such wisdom.

The Intelligencer has a post today in which they express shock that Moby is kind of a player.  Sure he’s dated Natalie Portman and Christina Ricci, but it’s not like he’s in the tabs for being a lady hunter nor does he have standard good looks, so they were surprised to see him hit on by two models at a party.

Really though?  Why?  Moby, while not physically modelesque, is still a stud for a variety of reasons.  His music is good, TeaNy makes a nice organic Darjeeling, but mostly he stands for what he believes in and that my friends, is hot. 

Moby has spoken out on a number of issues and has worked with MoveOn and The Humane Society, to name a few organizations.  He’s on the  Board of Directors of Amend.org^], a nonprofit that implements injury prevention programs in Africa and also works with the Institute for Music and Neurologic Function to see how music can help people with psychological problems. 

That’s sexy.

But wait, there’s more.  As someone who has suffered from crippling panic attacks (yeah, I am getting personal), I appreciate that Moby speaks out about his struggles and it’s good to see someone who has been able to rise to fame despite this problem.

Again-hottness.

And lastly-Moby’s blog rocks.  Now I am not a fan-ish person nor do I take to reading any other celebrity blogs (with the exception of Kanye West for comedic purposes), but Moby talks about real issues.  His last three entries focus on the Dalai Lama, Proposition 2 in California which will ban teh cruelest treatment to farm animals, and lastly, John McCain and Jesse Jackson NutGate.

Now tell me that doesn’t make you want to hit on him?  Just a little?

Heidi and McCain’s daughter Meghan are hanging out and Meaningful Distraction encourages network execs to jump on this and take the next logical step:  The Capitol Hills. 

Here’s our suggestion for the (fake) real plot line of the faux reality show: 

After hearing all the buzz about political parties, Heidi and Spencer move to DC to get in on all the happening events.  After realizing her mistake, Heidi finds solace in a friendship with Meghan.

Heidi eventually ends up as a Senators aide, has an affair with him and is exploited via Meghan’s blog  McCainBlogette.com.   It causes a major riff and the two can never show up at the same red carpets again.

In the end, Heidi reaps the PR benefits of the scandal to get a record deal.  She breaks up with Spencer, who isn’t troubled having found out that his personality is perfectly suited for politics.

You can barely see anything, but this video has become one of the most highly searched.  I post it only to preface the question:  What is wrong with people?

Or some other low budget flick.  It’s just so generic.  Andy**  is a funny guy so you would think he would come up with something better than to get arrested for peeing outside a Buffalo Wild Wings and sexually accosting a 17 year old.

The one unexpected twist in this story - the 17 year old was female.  He’s not gay?  Maybe it’s a ploy to shed his homosexual image.  How happy does he look in that mug shot?

*** Does anyone else suspect that Kathy Griffen is just Andy Dick in drag?

Also-Did anyone not see this coming?

SJP has gotten rid of her trademark mole, notes Huffington Post.  No word yet on whether it was for medical or cosmetic reasons, but I hope it wasn’t the later.  SJP is a beautiful woman (mole included) and is a role ( or mole, ha-I punned just like Carrie) model for millions of women.

How much is this baby worth?  $1.5 million.  How precious.

If everyone would just calm down, they would realize how simple this is:  Just tear the babies in two and give half to People and half to OK, charging both $11 or so million! 

Admittedly, this idea is ripped (ha, I punned) from Bertolt Brecht’s classic Caucasian Chalk Circle, but it does seem ideal.  Both magazines are happy and Brad and Angie have enough money to buy a slew of orphans.

There.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.

Related:

THE LOWDOWN ON CELEBRITY TABLOID BABY PICTURE TRAFFICKING

BRANGELINA TWINS ALREADY ON PACE TO BE MOST PROFITABLE DUO EVER

Can you sing?  If so you may want to hit up the open casting call for the new Spiderman Broadway musical:

OPEN SINGERS/ACTORS CALL FOR SPIDER-MAN, A NEW BROADWAY MUSICAL

Directed by Julie Taymor, Music and Lyrics by Bono and The Edge of U2

WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR:

Peter Parker: male, 16-20’s, great Rock voice, can be nerdy with understated sex appeal, good sense of humor

Mary Jane: female, 16-20’s, beautiful girl next door, strong pop/rock singing voice

Principal Woman: female, 25-35 years old, Amazing Rock vocals, think Sinead O’Connor with a Middle Eastern /Bulgarian/Greek/ twist. Foreign, world music types are great, foreign accents are great! All ethnicities.

JULY 28, 2008

10:00am-5pm

THE KNITTING FACTORY, 74 LEONARD STREET, NEW YORK, NY 10013

WE ARE ONLY LOOKING FOR THESE CHARACTERS AT THIS OPEN CALL. IF YOU ARE NOT RIGHT FOR THESE CHARACTERS, YOU MAY NOT BE SEEN.

Please prepare 16 bars of a pop/rock song that shows range. Please bring sheet music. Also a photo/resume stapled together, IF YOU HAVE ONE. IT’S COOL IF YOU DON’T!

spidermancasting@gmail.com

Celebs ask for some crazy things — only green M&M’s in a heart shaped bowl, all white rooms, seven dozen roses, etc., but a recent request made by Jay-Z has got be be the most uniquely insane.

According to reports the rapper demanded a watermelon carved in the shape of wife Beyonce Knowles’ boobs during his stay in Africa. The sculpture was to be displayed in his £2,500-a-night hotel room.

A source tells the Daily Mirror: “One giant watermelon was split in two and ornately carved into a mould of Beyonce’s breasts. Two cherries were used as nipples.”

I wonder what they could do with a papaya? (hint: It look like a vagina when cut in half)

Related:

JIGGA WHAT? CRAZY MAN SUES JAY-Z FOR WHISPER RAPPING

It has become a well known fact that tabloids pay ridiculously huge sums of money to get the first shots of new babies.  Right now, Angelina Jolie’s twins, considered the news of the century by many in the field, are causing a bidding war between People and OK! that has reached, according to Rush & Molloy, $12 million.

The pale and ever-skinny while she was preggers, Nicole Kidman, has decided to go the classy route and not sell photos of her new born to the tabloids, unlike the slew of other celebs who have garnered million dollar deals.

So the two big questions are:

Do tabs make there money back?  Angelina and Brad’s baby Shiloh sold 800,000 more copies than usual, but this didn’t make back the $4.1 million People paid for the shots.  An important exclusive can sell an extra 300,000 to 500,000 copies, but that is less than $1 million in added earnings. 

But even though they don’t make the money back, they do it for the reputation of the brand and to establish themselves as the go-to name for exclusive shots, which will hopefully lead to advertising and subscriptions.

Question 2.  Is this ethical?  This is strictly opinion.  Tabs are not known to be ethical, but what does this say about the celebrities who are willing to put their children on the magazines?  I think it’s okay.  The shots are going to get out and paparazzi will hound them until they get that picture. 

By setting up a photo shoot they avoid being ransacked by angry men with cameras who are willing to do just about anything for a picture.  Brad and Angelina have taken the high road and will be donating the money they make to a charity, which is one way to turn this into an undeniably good thing. 

But the bottom line is-these tabloids make tons of money off of these celebrities by slinging their names through mud.  If you were in their position, wouldn’t you take the opportunity to make a profit off of them when you have the chance?