THE NEW INFIDELITY — TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE WHO’VE BEEN CHEATED ON

I’ve been thinking a lot about infidelity these past few days.  Recently one of my closest friends came to me with news that he discovered more than a few emails his wife had sent to another man detailing the many things she wanted to do to him… sexually.

Cheating is now so common that when it doesn’t happen people almost seem shocked.

When the whole A-Rod / Madonna / C-Rod / Lenny Kravitz scandal was burning up the internet I remember reading an article where a noted public relations guru was quoted as saying that A-Rod’s infidelity isn’t great for his image but that his multi-million dollar endorsements wouldn’t suffer because cheating isn’t a deal breaker.  Rape, sex with a minor, gay sex or some form of bestiality would cause someone like A-Rod financial hardship, but run-of-the-mill adultery just doesn’t rate anymore.

One of our devoted readers sent me this article from Details magazine called “The New Infidelity,” which talks about the growing number of men whose lives are being rocked by the news that their wives have found comfort in the arms of other men — especially men with whom they work.  The article is a bit dated but I was drawn to its tagline which promised: “Here’s how to survive when it’s your woman who starts to stray.” 

I’ve read the thing 3 times now looking for some insightful takeaway that may help my friend — still reeling from the “mind movies” of his wife in bed with another man – but the best that the Details piece seems to offer is (1) go to counseling and (2) install spyware on your computer to search for damning emails. 

Counseling good.  Spyware bad.  Then it gets even worse by trying to offer comfort for “jittery husbands” that, with hope, after long days at the office your wife’s would-be paramours “might be worn out by the time she gets tempted.”  Again, not helpful, borderline absurd; banking on a man being too tired to sleep with your willing wife isn’t exactly a reassuring thought at the end of the day. 

BUT, the article did touch on one thing that’s worth remembering.  A marriage, or any long term relationship, needs to be kept as dynamic and intellectually stimulating as possible.  Because the interaction your wife may have outside the home — from men who engage her on levels that go beyond mundane things like whose turn it is to do the dishes – can often highlight how routine and flacid your partnership has become.

The article quotes a Dr. Brian Canfield, president of the American Counseling Association, who says: 

“I think for many families there’s still the expectation that women who are pursuing careers are also going to be attending to the traditional roles of being the nurturer and the mother and the attentive wife.  Contrast that with [what] women [encounter] in the workplace—male colleagues who are dealing with them on a very adult level—and it’s only natural that she’s going to be attracted to them.”

In other words, “the pinot she shares with Peter from consulting over lunch is getting her hotter than the coffee you hand her before she drops the kids off at preschool is.”

I think it’s an oversimplification of why relationships break down to assume that “Peter from consulting” is a threat to your marriage simply because he and your wife communicate on an “adult level.”  That said, Canfield does have a point that often relationships break down because the routine gets stale; so when another man enters into the picture with spice and the prospect of new, high-minded interaction, that can present a problem if all you’re offering your wife when she gets home is the thrill of going through the day-to-day motions of domesticity.

Bottom line: if we want to hold on to our women, I think it requires that we continually remind them – through action not words — of what they’ve got.  And that while the grass may look greener on the other side, it ain’t.  Comfortability with someone is what we all hope for, but getting too comfortable with someone should be avoided at all costs. 

If you’re a man who’s been cheated on, my heart goes out to you, brother.  The actions of my friend’s wife have reminded of what that kind of pain looks and feels like.  Places like survivinginfidelity.com can help I think. 

But, in my experience, the words I’ve found most helpful to deal with a cheating lover are: You’ll be thinking about what has happened and it’ll feel like a little piece of you dies each time.  But eventually, you get used to death.

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Tags: Adultery, Cheating, wives who cheat